Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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