she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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