Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
