god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
