apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't deserve a penis
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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