I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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