i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
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3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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