you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
