I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
