Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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