So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
