i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
