Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
