I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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