can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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