The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
