I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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