if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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