we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have feelings that need drinking.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
