I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
