Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We don't watch enough power rangers
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am one with the molecules
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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