is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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