yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
