He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
the room spins SO much faster in panama
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
