the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
