I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
