fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
