I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
