My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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