Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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