final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
