I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
