btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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