Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
