when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
