a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
