i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
