it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry about my life...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
