I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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