I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
