Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
