The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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