i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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