Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
