I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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