oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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