these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
