i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i used baking grease as lip gloss
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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