I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
