The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
