she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
