I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
