Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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