Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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