Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
