This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I believe in your delicious
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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