Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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