Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
