Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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