3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
