my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
