Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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