just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
